I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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