Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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