Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
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So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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