Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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