i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
