Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
