you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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