Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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