I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
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woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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