u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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