Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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