I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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