stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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