I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
