im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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