Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
