Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
