Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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