Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
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