i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
