I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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