sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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