very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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