i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
