I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
