I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
