just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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