dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
