you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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