I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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