I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
