I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Randomize
