maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Randomize
