I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
