my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
