Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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