he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
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He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
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Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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