sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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