I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
