My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She has the best kind of daddy issues
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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