Already got asked if we're dating
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
