I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
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An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
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My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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