i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
