I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
