I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
