i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She said her name was "party"
I haven't been this sober since birth.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Randomize
