sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Randomize
