Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
