She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
