My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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