The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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