I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
