We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
