I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
