my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
